There's truly one thing in the world that frustrates me more than the current state of American politics: Roblox's viral multiplayer dress-up simulator, Dress to Impress. Whether during a particularly monotonous period of lecture or a restful moment of Mock Trial practice, I find myself consistently returning to the Roblox app to torture myself once again with a round of this infuriating game.
For those yet to experience the joy of DTI, the game starts with you receiving an avatar and, for the most stressful five minutes of your life, maneuvering your character through a Hannah-Montana-level walk-in closet with hopes of curating an outfit to match that round's theme, e.g. Dark Coquette, Fairy, Lolita Fashion, etc. (Additionally, I'd like to dedicate the prior sentence to my dad, who insisted I spend a full 30 minutes trying to explain the game's pop-culture significance to him over FaceTime after hearing of this article's topic.)
However, despite the seemingly innocent atmosphere of the poorly animated dress-up game, the game lobby also serves as a breeding ground for some of the internet's most bitter, biased, and altogether merciless pre-teens. No matter how impressive your outfit, no matter how creative your design, when it comes to voting on the number one outfit, the communal judging becomes harsher than that of an online dating app. I truly don't know what goes on in some people's heads during such ratings (actually I do—people just suck), as players will often give one star (out of five) to each and every participant in the hopes of boosting their own avatar in the rankings (I guess that says something broader about society, but I don't have the word count to go into that right now). As a result, the weirdest attempts at fashion always end up making the leaderboard. I could be wearing an Oscars red-carpet-level look and lose to a blue mannequin wearing nothing but galaxy leggings and a 2000s style Claire's headband.
The other thing that sends me reeling is the in-app purchases. For a certain number of “Robux,” the Roblox currency (I truly had to take a deep breath and ask myself what I was doing here as I typed that out), one can buy extra outfits to add to their personal virtual closets. Garments range from baggy jeans to mermaid tails, and, without a doubt, the VIP players inevitably have access to the best of the best. For example, the theme could be something like “Royalty,” and while I may only have access to sneakers and a ruffled top, another player who spent their life savings on the game may come out dressed in a period-accurate Marie Antoinette cosplay. I'd rather play all six rounds of Netflix's Squid Game than a round of DTI against a VIP member; at least in “Red-Light, Green-Light,” you don't have to pay 50 Robux to run faster.
But despite all my hatred for the horrid 12-year-olds I'm up against, I somehow still find a surprising amount of joy from the game. It's a guilty pleasure, and I'll often find myself meticulously debating dress patterns, handbags, and hairstyles with the focus and precision of a surgeon. It's also the perfect game to play with friends, as the collective frustration and anger that it evokes in players is truly a sight to behold.
The primal rage that the game wrenches from my body sets in with the very starting note of the lobby's theme song; just turning up the volume to hear those taunting, high-pitched EDM beats is enough to send me into true fight-or-flight. To research further, I logged into the app while writing this, and the adrenaline that ran through my body upon entering the lobby was like that of three straight shots of espresso.
But the adrenaline only continues. While the VIP members practically have access to a combined collection of all the Kardashians’ closets (opposed to the regular players who have the choice between a Shein tank top or a pair of Sketchers light-up sneakers), there is in fact a way for individuals to increase their closet size…that is, if you're committed enough. I was recently introduced to the undercover world of Dress to Impress codes, which are special codes that allow access to extra (slightly less hideous) outfits. After scouring TikTok and Google for all the codes currently available, I was able to revamp my avatar's closet with extra hoodies, cowboy boots, necklaces, and more. In that miraculous moment, I finally understood the true meaning of happiness. I'll be sure to relay my findings to my therapist.
Anyway, despite all the rage that Dress to Impress has so often filled me with, there's honestly no better game to randomly and mindlessly scroll through late at night, during classes, or even at a party (for those of you curious—yes, yes I have). It's a world of deceit, discovery, and questionable fashion choices (aka my entire middle school experience). And yet I enter each game with the same ceaseless determination and dream: to one day beat the bitter 12-year-olds of the internet and finally take my rightful place at the top of the DTI leaderboard.
