The road between Western and non-Western culture diverges at several points. Most notably, it splits at the core values of individualism and collectivism. Placing priority on the well-being of oneself as opposed to the well-being of a family or community shapes fundamental societal structures and traditions. As a result, the Western versus non-Western approach to significant decisions such as marriage, education, and financial choices are often completely antithetical. 

This core difference in values offers a lens for understanding a controversial practice—arranged marriage. Arranged marriage is a tradition in many non-Western cultures in which the partners are chosen by others. This process is often governed by the parents of the spouses, but it can also be done by a professional matchmaker or a respected member of the community. 

Western culture has perpetuated a skeptical view regarding arranged marriages due to a gap in understanding. This mistrust in arranged marriage largely rises from a simple difference in definition. Marriage in the West is viewed as the union of two individuals, while many non-Western cultures define marriage as the union between two families. Thus, it is seen as the duty of family members to ensure compatibility between the spouses. This is rooted in another major facet of many non-Western cultures—a profound trust in elders. Life experience is synonymous with wisdom, and subsequently, young people on the whole are comfortable ceding some authority to family members for this life-changing decision.

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Indian arranged marriages are quite structured. Typically, an initial meeting involves the woman’s family, including parents, siblings, grandparents, and oftentimes aunts and uncles, hosting the man’s family at their home for a cup of tea. The house will look immaculate—not a pillow out of place, not a speck of dust on the floor. Every item of clothing neatly pressed, every teacup on the table gleaming. The guests arriving could be future family members. All the nits have been picked—first impressions are everything.

The families will likely exchange niceties about the weather and non-controversial current events for a short time while sipping hot chai. After about twenty or so minutes, the potential bride and groom will either go off on their own to a restaurant or outing or to another room to get to know each other. They can do this for as little as a few minutes or as long as a few hours. This is the part that is misconstrued. After the non-couple spends some time together, they each have a choice in whether to pursue the relationship. Generally, families are very accepting of either person declining to move forward. The autonomy is different than in a Western marriage, but it exists.

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At a dinner with friends and parents, a mom at the table, Paula, expressed sincere confusion when the topic of arranged marriage arbitrarily came up in conversation. Her upbringing in a small, ultra-agrarian English village lent itself to practically no exposure to arranged marriages. As we were discussing it, she associated the practice with the word forced, through no fault of her own. I explained the inaccuracy of this description. Both the men and women involved inform their families of preferences they have in a partner, and they can always say no to anyone who is “presented” to them. There is no abdication of voice, of choice. To Paula’s surprise, I clarified that guided is a far more appropriate label.

This is not to say that this process isn’t flawed. It is inherently heteronormative, and it can be colorist, caste-sensitive, and patriarchal (although far less so nowadays). But, the core issue here lies in the misrepresentation of arranged marriage in Western society.

Popular media has shed light on arranged marriage with a handful of TV shows, movies, magazine articles, the works. Indian Matchmaking was a buzzworthy pandemic watch that debuted its first of three seasons on Netflix in 2020. It follows Sima Taparia, known as Sima Aunty, a real, professional matchmaker who travels the world setting up men and women with their potential life partners and their families. 

The intention of creating a reality show for people who were unfamiliar with the tradition, people like Paula, seemed noble. Yet, the execution was nothing short of disappointing. I was thrilled about the potential squashing of harmful ideas and assumptions. And while the show squashes some stereotypes, it reinforces others. I applaud its stress on the individual liberty of each person. Many of the individuals rejected people they were arranged with by the matchmaker. The influence, but lack of coercion, from family members is depicted well.

That being said, there is an absurd emphasis on astrological compatibility and the face-reader who could determine the couple’s success or downfall just by looking at pictures of their faces. I could feel myself shrinking into the couch as I watched Sima one-by-one present photos of the prospective couples to the face reader on the TV. Why does there exist a need to make things seem more “exotic” when describing something non-Western? Why is this ooh-la-la factor necessary when catering to a Western audience?

While it is true that some Hindus are staunch believers in astrology and star alignment between two people, the show spotlights it as if it was the utmost priority for everyone—to the point where it’s hard to watch at times. When watching the show with others, I felt the need to pause and explain, “This part is so accurate,” or “This part is such a dramatization.” Why make a show about Indian culture for Americans if it still needs a translator? Do the forms of entertainment that try to offer a cultural lens have a responsibility to be accurate? 

Misrepresentation in the media has dangerous downstream effects. It presents a fat roadblock in front of empathy and cultural appreciation. This show was an opportunity to begin construction on this bridge of understanding between Western and non-Western cultures. Instead, it widened the gap further. And I’m not the only one who thinks so.

• “It bothered me so much…when Sima tried to get her into astrology to see how the stars could determine her better matches since she otherwise seemed to believe Aparna to be hopeless”   — Nitish Pawha, Slate
• “The Indian here in ‘Indian Matchmaking’ is merely a stand-in for outrageously wealthy, landed upper-caste Hindus.”  — Iva Dixit, The New York Times
• “Viewers shouldn’t watch Indian Matchmaking for a profound depiction of Indian culture.”   — Anna Purna Kambhampaty, TIME
• “When will South Asian people get reality TV that doesn't depict our culture as being a drag?”  —Scaachi Koul, Buzzfeed

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I asked my parents what this process was like for them. Mom had just two items on her checklist for her life partner: 

1. Non-smoker (she’s asthmatic)
2. Career-driven (she’s a workaholic)

That was it.

Dad practiced what he preached as a physician and he was practically married to his job. Nice.

Dad’s list was brief as well: good-natured, dependable, could cook. He was and still is a kitchen hazard; fortunately, Mom is a culinary mastermind. Their connection at the start was not necessarily romantic but oh-so-compatible. They chatted for maybe twenty minutes and were married ten days later before an audience of six hundred. They celebrated twenty-eight years of marriage (and meeting each other) just three months ago. And I don’t think they’d have it any other way. Their love isn’t less or more than that of an autonomous, he-swept-me-off-my-feet marriage. Equal in value, just different in nature.

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My perspective on arranged marriage is one of understanding, but it wasn’t always this way. For a long time, I approached decisions with a more individualistic mindset, keeping my autonomy and self-interest at the forefront. The deep-rooted family first mentality felt foreign, even as I was surrounded by it. Over time, however, I found myself blending these seemingly opposing perspectives—balancing the freedom to choose my own path with an appreciation for the wisdom and guidance of the people I care about most.

Completely both,

  completely neither.