It’s a sad trend I’ve witnessed many times: Friendships, which were otherwise off to a great start, are broken up over repairable conflicts, disagreements or misunderstandings.
As the semester ramps up, it’s easy for schedules to become overbooked and fault lines to emerge in relationships. January’s “besties” become February’s “opps,” and in a rich social ecosystem like Brown, it can feel easy to replace relationships, rather than repair. Yet, it is by having the difficult conversations and leaning into the discomfort of conflict resolution that strong relationships can flourish.
While we all know that one first-year friend group that had a very public falling out, the habit of our generation is to ghost — to end friendships by simply ignoring them. It’s a thoroughly modern method, enabled by our increasingly digital social interactions. Ghosting can feel like a quick fix without any of the discomfort of a confrontation. If our parents are a generation of conflict-prone Karens, we are one of conflict-avoidant ghosts.
When the sole purpose of a relationship is to have fun, you will inevitably look for a replacement the moment conflict, which is inherently uncomfortable, arises. But we should seek greater purpose in our relationships. And if it’s purpose we’re seeking, we should consult the expert on the topic: the Greek philosopher Aristotle.
It may surprise you that “Nicomachean Ethics,” Aristotle’s seminal treatise on living an ethical life, spends an entire book discussing friendship. Aristotle, who treats interpersonal friendships as one of the most important social institutions for fostering virtuous citizens, describes three types of friendships: utility, pleasure and virtue. The first two are people who you spend time with for practical benefit or enjoyment. Think of your barber, or your hometown fling. There’s nothing inherently wrong with these transactional relationships — realistically, most of these connections are of this type — but they are ultimately self-interested, which is why they rupture easily. These relationships are replaceable because you don’t really love the person, you love the utility or pleasure they bring you.
While these first two types of friendships are effectively friends with benefits, what Aristotle calls a relationship of virtue seems to be reserved for soulmates. This partnership is based on loving the other for their own sake. By nature they are rare, but ideal. Instead of thinking about people as a means to personal benefit, we should consider our friends as ends in and of themselves.
Though working out differences with anyone isn’t pleasant, if the person is someone you truly love, the discomfort of conflict resolution is a sacrifice you must make for the sake of the relationship. It’s also an act of service to your friend: By candidly telling them how their behavior hurt you, you’ll help them improve.
This is how lasting relationships are built. The “third-act misunderstanding” is such a popular trope in buddy movies and romantic comedies because it’s accurate. Successfully resolving a conflict has the potential to increase trust and understanding, and even transform a relationship of utility or pleasure into one of virtue by demonstrating how much you care.
This sounds scary, but remember that good friends will genuinely appreciate you being assertive and calling them out. It’s a common assumption that loyalty is the best trait in a friend; that they should always have your back. This isn’t true. A friend who only ever tells you what you want to hear is no friend at all. They are a people pleaser, not a confidant.
I’m not calling for an unconditional forgive-and-forget policy. It’s up to you alone to decide whether you think a relationship is worth preserving, and whether it has the potential to be one of virtue or not. It’s also possible to forgive someone while holding them accountable for past actions by setting boundaries. For example, if my best friend totaled my car, he would still be my best friend, but I wouldn’t hand him the keys again.
Above all else, remember that we are young and stupid, and our brains aren’t fully developed. We’re all still becoming who we are, so let’s gracefully help each other grow into better people. Next time you feel someone you love has wronged you, resist the temptation to replace and consider repairing instead.
