This Valentine’s Day, there is one book I cannot get off my mind: Edith Wharton’s “The Age of Innocence.” Many of its themes remain relevant today: critiques of societal expectations and our adherence to them, individual versus collective duty and the limits of fate and free will. However, what I always remember is the final scene when the male protagonist –– 30 years older than when we first meet him, but no wiser –– stands outside of his true love’s home with only a door and elevator ride between them. Right when we think he’s going to seize the opportunity, he sits down and says “It’s more real to me here than if I went up there.”
Like the protagonist, Generation Z has a pathological aversion to taking action, preferring the fantasy of love to the risk of rejection. This was evident last week when MarriagePact dropped their much-anticipated match results. The annual matchmaking platform surveys college students and connects them with potential suitors on their campus. The promise of such an experiment is the chance at a connection that is more than skin-deep. Yet most participants don’t even meet for a first date after the results come out. This might seem surprising at first, especially given that over 3,000 Brown students took the survey. Upon second glance, however, this comes as no surprise, fitting with our generation’s chronic inability to put ourselves out there.
Only 56% of Gen Z adults report having been in a romantic relationship during their teenage years compared to more than three-fourths of Baby Boomers and Gen Xers. Some young adults are even taking to the internet to confess that they are well into their late 20s and have never been in a relationship. Although Gen Z is dating less, the desire for love remains the same. While it can be argued that people should invest in platonic and familial relationships, it is undeniable that romantic love is just as important. Forming meaningful romantic relationships is a central developmental milestone for young adults as it contributes to higher life satisfaction and helps an individual grow into a more well-adjusted adult. That means almost half of this generation is left with an unmet need.
The most salient hypothesis that attempts to explain this phenomenon blames social media in part for our generation’s increase in social anxiety. Social media usage has made us the loneliest and most self-conscious generation yet. Gen Zers are more nervous to initiate conversations and less confident on first dates. As a result, we don’t make the first move. And even if we do end up talking to someone we like, the tacit rules of digital communication mean we are overcome by the fear of not using enough emojis or responding too quickly. Even more, the fear of dating missteps being criticized in a group chat or broadcasted on social media adds to an already long list of deterrents.
It’s no surprise that so many Gen-Zers prefer a fantasy world to the real one. Recently, the acclaimed HBO series Sex and the City became a runaway hit with Gen Z viewers. While many young people remarked on the characters’ outlandish outfits and the depiction of cringy dating faux pas, some expressed a longing for the old days when you could approach someone in earnest and ask them out for coffee or a drink.
We’re not just turning to our televisions though. bell hooks’s seminal novel “All About Love” became a classic among our generation 24 years after its release, and romance book sales have skyrocketed among young women. In more extreme cases, young people have turned to AI chatbots to understand love and fulfill their desire for intimacy. However, no amount of media consumption will equate to forming a bond with a real human. And if we want to do that, we must face the potential of rejection.
I can’t help but wonder what would have happened if Wharton’s protagonist had gone up the elevator, but I know that would have undermined her message. What Wharton reveals by ending her book with his inaction is a relevant lesson that we should all carry with us: pleasure in the fantasy may be alluring, but true fulfillment comes from taking action.
Social media and online dating isn’t inherently bad; the potential for wide-reaching connections and easy communication provides us with additional tools for finding successful relationships. However, algorithms can’t do all the work for us. Message your MarriagePact matches. Send that rose on Hinge. Talk to that crush you followed on Instagram at a party. It’s always going to be scary, but it might just be worth it.
Let me leave you with one last thing that might expose me as the romantic that I am. One of the things that keeps me going in the face of today’s barren romantic landscape is hope. Hope in the goodness of other people and hope that all the goodness in this world comes from our desire to love and be loved. So this Valentine's Day do it hopeful or do it scared. Either way just get out of your head and do it. When it comes to finding love, we have to take the elevator up.
Kendall Ricks’27 can be reached at kendall_ricks @brown.edu. Please send responses to this column to letters@browndailyherald.com and other opinions to opinions@browndailyherald.com.
