My first two years at Brown have been characterized by late-night Jo’s runs and painfully long lines for a Saturday-morning Andrews burrito bowl. As much as I cherished those days, I don’t really miss stomachaches from suspicious macaroni and cheese or flavorless chicken (no shade though—I love the dining hall employees). However, during my time on meal plan, I’ve studied the types of people at each dining hall and believe some students are just made for certain halls. Your dining hall is like your shoe size—you try each on for size, eventually finding the right fit.

I’m here to help you find that fit. In order to match you to a dining hall, I am going to use the most objective metric out there: your red flags. There is a science behind this. Please don’t ask what that science is.

You wear slides with socks.

I’m no fashion connoisseur, but I can recognize a couple things if you do this: you are bold, and I fear your fashion taste. Within that same vein, you do not fear the hike to Jo’s at 1 a.m. with those wonderful, bright lights spotlighting you. You enjoy being surrounded by students there for similar reasons, whether that is after a night out, after cramming work, or for a pure panini moment. 

You read texts and forget to respond to them until many hours later.

There’s nothing worse than trying to make plans with someone, only for them to respond days later, after the plans would have happened. If you do this, you have Ratty written all over you. How many times have you tried to get a nice batch of items from the Grill station, only to find  they’ve been forgotten on the grill for enough time to be burnt? Or, when you’re waiting for your signature omelet at the Action station, and it never comes? I hope the Ratty Action station forgets about your omelet the same way you forgot to respond to me. >:(

You watch Netflix without subtitles.

We all know that no one at Brown has a long enough attention span to pay attention to a Netflix plot without reading the subtitles. If you watch Netflix without subtitles, chances are you have the intellect of someone from another Ivy. In that case, Ivy Room is your fit! You feel right at home eating amongst pristine china from Penn, Columbia, and Harvard. Your unmatched memory is something for which Brown cannot claim responsibility.

You only order chicken tenders at every restaurant.

No, you aren’t playing it safe; you are a child. I know you’re the first one in line for Chicken Finger Fridays at VDub. The VDub was made for you, as it always knows just what you want. And don’t get me wrong—I love a good chicken finger moment every week, but not every meal. The repetition of foods at VDub and limited selection does get tiresome at times. If you are the kind of person that enjoys monotony in dishes…you have interesting taste. I hope you see the good in other foods soon.

You can’t tell the difference between waters. 

I’m talking Andrews water vs. Barus and Holley water vs. Faunce water. There is a hierarchy and you can’t tell me otherwise. If you can’t tell the difference between these waters, Andrews is for you. You are a novice, so new to the world and so naive. People love you and rely on you, but they know you’re missing something. For Andrews, that is more options. For you, that is having skills to discern different kinds of water. 

You like your steaks well done.  

You are risky, daring if I may say, and are probably bougie. With that, you are the Blue Room or the Cafe in the ERC. While these may not technically be dining halls, we all know they keep Brown Dining afloat. Whether you are on or off meal plan, these two will sustain you. If you have this red flag, I assume you are not afraid of blowing all of your Flex Points within the first month. If you like your steaks well done, I salute you for keeping the Brown Dining economy flowing, but I pray for your jaw and your taste. 

Regardless of your red flags, just know you are accepted here! Brown would not be the same without all of its dining halls, as this campus would not be the same without you. On that note, this is my formal request to use your meal swipes. Please swipe me into places—I still cherish Brown Dining. :)