Cubic zirconia to the first-year who said he “should have been reading the Morning Mail.” Yeah, right after he went on the Facebook and watched videos on the Youtube.
A diamond to Carolan Norris, associate director of athletics, who said of the One for Me program, “We just want these student-athletes to open themselves up to something new.” We hear the Poler Bears are hiring …
A diamond to DJ Pam the Funkstress, who is known for using her breasts to spin records. We hear she keeps a party bouncing.
Coal to Fiery Cushman, assistant professor of cognitive, linguistic and psychological sciences, who explained his decision to leave Brown for Harvard by saying, “This is what academics call the two-body problem.” Or as Harry Potter would call it, polyjuice potion.
A diamond to the Alpha Epsilon Pi pledge who said, “Things got rowdy early and stayed that way the whole time” on St. Patrick’s Day. We can’t wait to hear how his Spring Weekend turns out.
Cubic zirconia to David Walton ’01, who said, “I loved it from the first time I ever did it.” We’ll leave it at that.
A diamond to James Allen, professor of Egyptology and Ancient Western Asian studies, who said, “It is not easy to opt out of the family.” We haven’t seen the last person who tried.
Coal to Ingrid Newkirk, president of People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals, who said, “All living beings love their babies.” Someone didn’t even read the Sparknotes version of Medea.
A diamond to Will Guzzardi ’09, winner of the Illinois Democratic primary for general assembly, who said “We’re really good at hitting doors and talking to people.” All the years on the taekwondo team are paying off!
Coal to Richard Bova, senior associate dean of residential life and dining services, who said the housing lottery “was the most stressful aspect of many students’ lives in the spring semester.” Clearly he doesn’t know any students taking orgo, dealing with breakups or studying for midterms.
A diamond to Rep. Ray Hull, D-Providence, who said “My years serving the people of District 6 have been incredibly rewarding.” We’re happy you feel that way, but we’re still rooting for Katniss. District 12 for life.
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