A diamond to the Office of Residential Life for assigning one student to single-gender housing in Andrews Hall, while placing her twin sister — who requested such housing — in Keeney Quadrangle. This sounds like the premise for a very promising Mary Kate and Ashley movie.
Cubic zirconia to Governor Lincoln Chafee ’75 P’14 P’17 who said of the controversy over the naming of the state’s Christmas tree, “This presumably happy event became a focal point for too much anger.” We feel you, Governor. That’s how our Thanksgivings go every year once Aunt Trudy hits beer number six.
Coal to the researcher who said of a study about marijuana-users’ genes and impulsivity, “It was fully controlled. … We actually made sure that they did not smoke any marijuana before they came in.” That’s what the Spring Weekend security team claims to do as well, and we all know how that goes.
A diamond to Bill Nye, who sang “Happy Orbit Around the Sun to You” to a student who said it was her birthday during the question-and-answer portion of his lecture Thursday night. Move over, Taylor Swift’s “22” — we’ve found our new birthday anthem.
Coal to the transfer student who said, “Orientation was well-structured and slightly awkward, but they didn’t make you feel like babies.” What a shame. Then you have no excuse for pooping everywhere.
Cubic zirconia to the sophomore who said of New York University Psychologist Karen Adolf’s lecture, “I definitely enjoyed watching the videos of the babies.” Just avoid that first one called “Journey Through the Vaginal Canal.”
Coal to Jameel Jaffer, deputy legal director of the American Civil Liberties Union, who said of surveillance, “These programs do not target anyone. They target everyone.” Oh good. Now we feel better.
A diamond to the senior who stayed an extra semester to study Bruce Springsteen’s songwriting and play another season with the rugby team. We hear it was because he knew he was “Born to Run.”
Cubic zirconia to the sophomore who said she hopes to be married with children by age 30, adding, “I’m very afraid that all my good eggs are drying out.” And you don’t want your uterus to be filled with bad eggs — it will smell like your backyard two weeks after Easter.
A diamond to the senior who said he is very lucky that his research mentor “has treated me less like an undergraduate slave and more like a researcher.” We are also glad he’s following the Thirteenth Amendment.
And finally, a diamond to you, dear reader. We know you’ll miss our witty criticism almost as much as we’ll miss you.
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