Cubic zirconia to the sophomore who said of student activists in favor of coal divestment, “I wish that I had picked up a drum and beat it with my classmates as they walked across the green in their protests.” Ah yes, we heard from Corporation members that had there been drums, they would have supported divestment.
A diamond to the town of Portsmouth for having a “more than ample supply of marijuana that is available for purchase,” according to Ray Davis, coordinator of the Portsmouth Prevention Coalition. High five.
Cubic zirconia to Sheila Nirenberg, a professor at the Weill Medical College of Cornell, who said when she was contacted about being awarded a MacArthur Fellowship, “I thought the call was from a guy I’d gone on a date with.” Sorry. Your MacArthur Fellowship won’t hold you at night.
A diamond to University undergraduates in the 19th century who used to steal the president’s cow and lead it to the top of University Hall. Nice MOOve — we’re udderly impressed.
Cubic zirconia to Newport Mayor Harry Winthrop who said of potentially taking on Tamsui, Taiwan as a sister city, “We’re willing to look at it, but we wouldn’t take it on just to put another notch on our belt. We really want to make the existing relationships work.” We had no idea Newport had so much in common with Hugh Hefner.
A diamond to the Brown Student Agencies project manager who said of BSA’s bartending course, “We’re trying to spread awareness of drunkenness.” We think those fourteen voicemails we received of you singing Whitney Houston’s “I Will Always Love You” did the trick.
A diamond to the student who said about Google Glass, “It has to be something people can wear and have fun with and be sexy with.” Exactly. This way we can Google “other positions besides missionary” even during sex.
Cubic zirconia to Leonard Lardaro, an economics professor at the University of Rhode Island who wrote in an email to The Herald, “Unfortunately, Rhode Island is known as well for its unemployment rate as for its beaches.” At least all the people out of work can enjoy the surf?
We’re not awarding any coal this week. Too soon.
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