Coal to the federal government for shutting down, which could have a severe impact on the University. We’d give you a diamond, but you’d probably just argue over how to spend it.
A diamond to Professor of Classics Susan Alcock, who said a highlight of her summer massive open online course was witnessing her students “explaining to other people what a Twinkie is.” The final exam: describing a ding-dong.
A diamond to the sophomore who said, “The force is strong with the fall traditions around here.” Fun with apple-picking you will have, young Padawan.
Coal to Provost Mark Schlissel P’15, who said in reference to class scheduling problems, “If we could get students to wake up an hour earlier in the morning (to attend) 9 a.m. classes, that would help.” Great — we’ll see you at 2 a.m. for help with our problem sets.
A diamond to Professor of Physics Chung-I Tan, who said the University is “too small even for the current student body.” We’re sure everyone living in converted residence hall kitchens would agree.
A diamond to Professor of Neuroscience David Sheinberg, who said of strengthening computational neuroscience at Brown, “We hope to engage the community as much as possible through these talks and also through hands-on activities.” You just described our ideal relationship.
Coal to Chief Investment Officer Joseph Dowling, who said of the University’s endowment, “We punch well ahead of our weight.” Great. We’re the Scrappy-Doo of the Ivy League.
A diamond to the sophomore who said the loss of Symposium Books is made up for by the new, closer location of Ben and Jerry’s. As Mark Twain once said, “I loves me some Chunky Monkey.”
A diamond to the senior who said, “Going on the flanks had been pretty successful for us, so we just kept trying to do it until it worked.” Mind if we join?
Coal to the first-year who said, “Some advisers are nice, and they’re trying their best, but they’re not necessarily equipped to deal with all of the challenges students face.” They’ll be fine once we arm them with Snapchat and Instagram.
Cubic zirconia to RISD professor Bryan Quinn, who said his course will, among other things, seek to answer the questions: “How does the duck see the world? How does the duck hear the world? How does the duck touch the world?” With eyes, ears and, we’re guessing, with either beak or feet. Talk about an easy A, dude.
A diamond to the junior who described reunions with his long-distance girlfriend as “warm … just so very warm.” You’re smooth. Just so very smooth.
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