A diamond to the student who said, “Apparently I’m a love hipster,” after describing the ring he made in the seventh grade and eventually gave to his fiancee. Does this mean your engagement is ironic?
Cubic zirconia to Tim Springfield, head coach of the men’s cross country team, who said, “Because of the weather, we were a little bit more conservative.” As we learned in our political science class, people usually look for mild cloud cover and a 50 percent chance of rain before voting Republican.
Coal to the new business Campus Goose for providing a service that sends local moms to check up on students. We have our own moms right where we like them — at home.
A diamond to Provost Mark Schlissel P’15, who said of the search for the new Dean of the College, “It’s so important that whoever takes the job understands Brown and its culture.” Jesse Waters need not apply.
Cubic zirconia to the student who said, “When I started practicing (yoga), there were so many parts of my body that I wasn’t even aware of.” Those calming breathing exercises will come in handy when she finds out she has a tail.
A diamond to Michael Hughes, head coach of the men’s golf team, who said, “We performed exactly like we should.” Cheers to you coach — some men only wish they could say the same.
Coal to the senior who said about splitting eight semesters, “Brown doesn’t want people floating around.” Guess Brown is less like Hogwarts than we thought.
A diamond to Pulitzer Prize-winning author Jhumpa Lahiri, who said it took her 10 years to write a single scene in her latest novel. You’ve just given us our next excuse for why we couldn’t finish that English paper by the deadline.
Cubic zirconia to former national security advisor Thomas Donilon, who said in a lecture that U.S. counterterrorism policy shows other countries that “you can run, but you can’t hide.” We’ve already learned this from the John Street masturbator.
A diamond to the recent alum who “went to New Mexico to become a beekeeper, moved to Montana to become a goat herder and currently works at an oyster farm in Providence.” Baaaaaa, we can’t bee-lieve how busy you’ve been — shellfishly, we’re a little jealous.
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