Coal to the Department of Public Safety security officer who said his job is not about “kicking ass and taking names.” Way to shatter our dreams. Do you at least get donuts?
Cubic zirconia to Deborah Brouse ’72, who said that conservative groups were “not very visible” during her time at Brown because “they realized they would not be very popular.” She wouldn’t recognize our campus today — the Brown Republicans have gained four more members since then.
A diamond to the students who are creating and distributing nutritional bars to people in Mumbai, India. Cady Heron’s mom would be so proud.
Cubic zirconia to the Keeney Quadrangle resident who had to stay in a different room in the residence hall after the Jameson fire, sleeping on a mattress covered in plastic. We recommend she follow the advice of Dr. Tobias Funke and purchase a new mattress during a fire … sale.
A diamond to the University for choosing to grant an honorary degree to actor and director Ben Affleck. We hope he and Jennifer Garner “Argo”ing to send plenty of “Good Will” our way.
Coal to the pre-frosh who said, “I’ve been at (A Day on College Hill) for an hour and a half and have already signed up for like 40 clubs.” Prepare yourself for four years of spam from groups you don’t care about but are too lazy to unsubscribe from.
A diamond to Bertram Malle, professor of cognitive, linguistic and psychological sciences, who suggested the University create an on-campus wine bar to facilitate the growth of faculty social networks. We didn’t realize you had to be intoxicated to tolerate your colleagues — but we’ll drink to your suggestion.
Coal to the student who said Brown students are perhaps “not as definitely hip” as they think they are. We’re pretty sure our peers on the steps of the Rockefeller Library beg to differ.
A diamond to the student whose ceiling fell on her when it collapsed in Slater Hall. Way to take “breaking down walls” literally — you deserve instant As in all your gender studies classes.
Coal to the student who said of Spring Weekend, “We don’t need a really flashy and expensive performer to come together and have fun.” False. We want Bieber.
Finally, a diamond to you, dear readers. We’ll see you in September.
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