A diamond to Richard Bova, senior associate dean of residential and dining services, who said that during dorm inspections, "Occasionally we'll open the doors and a kitty will pop out." That sounds curiously like our experience at the Whiskey Republic last Halloween.
Coal to the founders of National Novel Writing Month, who allegedly established the tradition because they thought being novelists would help them get dates. Excuse us while we go practice casting smoldering glances over our two-page manuscripts.
Coal to Corporation trustee Steven Cohen P'08 P'16 who told investors he had committed no wrongdoing after receiving notice of a potential civil-fraud suit filed against him. Deny, deny, deny? That was our strategy when we got carded at Spiritus as first-years.
A diamond to Sen. Sheldon Whitehouse, D-R.I., who said that if President Obama offered him a cabinet position, "It would be hard not to at least consider it, but I'm virtually certain the answer would be no." Turning down the leader of the free world is pretty ballsy.
Cubic zirconia to Paul Eno, a paranormal investigator, who said, "I detest the term, 'ghost hunter.'' We're sorry, but we're pretty sure the term "ghostbuster" has already been claimed.
A diamond to Providence for its Providence Reads initiative. Perhaps those rebounding literacy rates will save the newspaper industry.
A diamond to Michael Gerrard, director of the Center for Climate Change Law at Columbia Law School, who said that in the event of a tsunami, if you are a resident of the Marshall Islands you "tie yourself to a coconut tree" to keep from floating away. That's exactly how we survived Superstorm Sandy.
Coal to Charles Kupchan, professor of international affairs at Georgetown University, who predicted that America's position as the world's only superpower is fading. We're confused - does this mean we should stop wearing our Captain America costumes under our clothes?
Cubic zirconia to Madhumita Lahiri, the Mellon postdoctoral fellow in English, who said "the boundary between work and pleasure is extremely blurred." That's exactly why we always bring our theses to the club.
A diamond to Kim Chaika, owner of Hookahs and More on Waterman Street, who said, "It's like smoking candy. And your generation is the candy generation." What can we say? What Aaron Carter asks, he shall receive.
