A diamond to the Providence resident and fan of the Quidditch team comprising Brown students who said of the wizarding sport, "Quidditch is a game that requires as much imagination as skill." You know what else required as much imagination as skill? That one time we tried to be in "an exclusive relationship with multiple people," as 0.3 percent of Brown students designated their relationship status in the latest Herald poll.
Coal to the junior who explained relationship dynamics at Brown as, "Men like to sleep around, and that can be linked back to increasing their chances of producing offspring, whereas women want to be maternal with one man who can protect them." Call Katherine Heigl, it looks like you have the plot for a ground-breaking romantic comedy on your hands.
A diamond to the sophomore who said, "This weekend, I have big plans for the laundry room." If that's the case, we hope you live up to Brown's ranking by Trojan Condoms as the second best university for sexual health.
Coal to the disparity between the 56 percent of students who responded that they wanted to be in an exclusive relationship and the 25 percent who said they actually are in The Herald's biannual student poll. Maybe it's time for us to get out of the newspaper business - clearly what Brown needs is a dating service.
A diamond to prolific New York Times letter writer and Professor of Philosophy Felicia Nimue Ackerman, who once wrote in to the paper, "I cannot bring myself to believe that I am the only serious reader of book reviews who cringes when an established writer is snobbish and meanspirited enough to sneer at the obscure for being obscure." Your one-liners are the stuff of legend.
Coal to the junior who said of academic dishonesty at Brown, "I don't think a lot of people outright cheat, but I think a lot of people collaborate." Call it what you want, but we didn't appreciate our significant other's "collaboration" with other people.
Cubic zirconia to the girl who continued on to Baja's Tex Mex Grill while her friend became horizontally trapped in an eight-inch-wide alleyway near Thayer Street, ultimately requiring assistance from the Providence police. As we always say, food before friends.
A diamond to renowned author Lisa Gardner, who noted of writing thrillers, "We listen to the voices in our head that tell us to kill. We write it down." Sounds like you need to get that checked out.
Coal to the fiscal cliff and its potential to reduce funding for Pell Grants, research and financial aid. Get your act together, Congress!
