In September, Marissa Mayer, the exemplary "Employee No. 20" of Google and new CEO of Yahoo!, gave birth to her first son. As a high-profile businesswoman who has ostensibly attained both personal and professional success, Mayer reignited the debate over whether women can truly "have it all." This discussion over the simultaneous achievement of one's goals at home and in the office forces us to question if it is truly possible - let alone reasonable - to meet such expectations. By defining "having it all" as the concurrent intersection of thriving in both realms of life, are we marginalizing those who have achieved success in only one area?
The theory that touts a happy family and a generous salary as necessary for success is especially detrimental to women who choose to focus on their careers rather than follow their maternal instincts. I fear this message implies that such women should feel unfulfilled rather than gratified. A person's judgment as a success story should not be contingent upon societal conventions, but rather upon the realization of one's own dreams.
From actresses to chefs to bankers, society seems to award a professionally successful woman with the label of "having it all" only once she is happily married with a family. This tendency likely stems from traditional roles in the family that positioned men as breadwinners while women ruled the household. As ladies have been afforded more opportunities to forge identities outside of their homes, the concept of the "working mother" has become more accepted in society.
Nonetheless, it is safe to assume that most women are expected to desire a family. I want to emphasize that I do not fault these desires. But it is insulting when the media or society suggests that successful female artists, doctors, educators, engineers and entrepreneurs "have it all" only once they have a family rather than once they have accomplished a noteworthy feat in their fields. Moreover, judgment should be neutral toward economic status. If she is pleased with her place in life, a woman earning $60,000 per year should feel just as content as one taking home $6 million per year.
In a 2009 interview with "Nightline" on ABC News, television chef Rachael Ray was asked by her interviewer, "Do you think you're missing something?" - a thinly-veiled reference to her lack of children. Ray, who has built an empire around her accessible culinary techniques and bubbly personality, bluntly replied that she felt completely satisfied with her life. The very fact that Ray was probed in this manner speaks to general expectations that a woman in particular has only achieved ultimate success once she has started a family. Shouldn't the fact that Ray has built a nationally-recognized brand and a charismatic television identity be substantive enough to satiate one's feelings of fulfillment?
The same logic applies for celebrities and artists. Gabrielle "Coco" Chanel, who grew up impoverished but created one of the world's most prolific fashion houses, never had a spouse or children. Some very eligible men courted her, but she remained unmarried throughout her life. Nonetheless, Chanel was an iconic entrepreneur and creative visionary who left an indelible mark in her industry. Yet despite her inspirational story, I have never read an article that described her as someone who "had it all." I would readily argue that Chanel should be granted such a celebratory characterization.
Even in film and television, it is common to see ladies who have distinguished themselves in their careers still express feelings of invalidation at their lack of a family. I remember watching "The Real Housewives of NYC" two seasons ago when Bethenny Frankel, who reportedly sold her Skinnygirl beverages company last year for $100 million, suggested that she would only feel complete once she had a child. While this desire for a family is certainly an individual's prerogative, the maternal qualification for a woman to feel she "has it all" is disparaging toward thriving ladies who are single or childless by choice. And broadly speaking, this definition of "having it all" probably primes most women early on to feel worthy of this distinction only once they are the best employees and the best caretakers they can be. Unfortunately, this does nothing to enhance the self-esteem of those who do, in fact, seek to achieve success in both respects yet who have only reached their dreams in one area.
As Mayer illustrated, women are demonstrating they can dedicate the same commitment to the office as they do to family life. By not relinquishing her professional duties in spite of her financial ability to do so, Mayer boldly showed that women are not workplace risks who will ultimately let domestic responsibilities overwhelm their professional ones. More importantly, celebrating a woman's self-actualization should not hinge upon her candidacy as a wife or mother. She should feel like she "has it all" once her own wishes, not the wishes that society expects of her, come true.
Elizabeth Fuerbacher '14 believes in controlling one's own dreams and decisions rather than acceding to someone else's terms. She can be reached at elizabeth_fuerbacher@brown.edu.
