A giant Hope Diamond to Brown for each year mandating that students register on Banner, only to have the server experience "technical difficulties" like the ones that prevented students from registering for classes for 45 minutes Wednesday. The University can sell the diamond and buy a better server. Also, coal.
A diamond to Aaron Horowitz, the designer of a toy bear that helps children cope with diabetes, whose decision to pursue his business venture in Providence began with an email to a Brown professor entitled "A Crazy Idea?" The last time we emailed our professor using that subject line, she replied that no, class could not be relocated to the Whiskey Republic.
A diamond to the three science professors who will be named Fellows of the American Association for the Advancement of Science next month. "You sometimes wonder if anyone's even paying attention to what you're doing," Barry Connors, professor and chair of the department of neuroscience, said of the honor. We're pretty sure that's what the naked masturbator who terrorized College Hill last semester wondered, too.
Coal to the Undergraduate Council of Students for attaining their "long-standing" goal of installing banners on the Main Green to recognize Brown's 250th anniversary. You know, it's never too soon to start planning for the 500th anniversary.
Coal to the faculty member who said that people would no longer call Brown a religious institution. Clearly, he's never heard of the sacred tradition known as Sex Power God.
A cubic zirconium to the Repertory Project, a new independent theater group. The group is soliciting donations by offering people cake and the opportunity to touch a main performer's abs if they contribute $100. We'll take the cake and leave the abs, thank you very much.
A diamond to the student who said of Google+, "I mean, if I knew more about it, I would, but I'm pretty good where I am with my social networks." Another satisfied reader of The Herald's Facebook, Twitter and Washington Post Social Reader accounts.
A Sorcerer's Stone to Professor of Hispanic Studies Julio Ortega for joining the Order of the Phoenix — we mean, the Order of the Aztec Eagle. We hear the Ministry of Magic is doing some heavy recruiting. We're looking at you, President Ruth Simmons.
Five hundred and fifty-six diamonds to each of the early decision applicants who were accepted. Welcome to Brown!
