Coal to the man regularly spotted masturbating in students' backyards in recent weeks. The guy is clearly a real jerk, but it's obvious he has balls.
A cubic zirconium to the sophomore who said of President Ruth Simmons, "She hasn't touched me in any way." Well, that's one suspect off the list.
A diamond to MunchCard, which, by offering discounts at local eateries, has led students to frequent Kartabar for the first time. What sort of discount does MunchCard offer on Ed Hardy shirts?
Coal to Harvard, for beating the football team 24-7 in its Ivy opener last Friday. Harvard may have a winning league record, money and prestige, but Brown's still got the Fish Company. Er, Brown's definitely still got Spectrum India.
Coal to the WaterFire attendees who mistakenly wandered into last Friday night's Fall Concert at the Rhode Island School of Design Auditorium. If they were looking for entertainment, why were they at WaterFire?
Coal to the Department of Athletics, which has taken 10 exercise machines out of the Bears Lair this semester without replacing them. Let's not abuse the New Curriculum. This really isn't the kind of thing you can take an Incomplete on.
A cubic zirconium to the University of Rhode Island, where 500 students rioted outside a fraternity last Thursday night. Students for a Democratic Society, eat your heart out.
A cubic zirconium to Cynthia Frost, vice president and chief investment officer, who was the University's highest-paid employee in 2009, raking in $1,011,351. It should come as no surprise that Frost is iced out.
A diamond to Central Falls Police Chief Joseph Moran III, who received coal from us in this section last Friday and was fired later that day. We hope this undoes the damage. Providence has a naked masturbator who needs to be caught, if that helps.
