I recently had a brief conversation with a group of parents whose kids were either recently admitted to college or not far behind. One mother in the group expressed horror at the fact that college students do not date anymore. She recalled how much time she had spent dating in college, going to movies or dinner with men she had dated, and seemed astonished that no one described their actions as "going on dates" or "dating."
These parents lamented the "hook-up culture," the lack of commitment youth today have and the inability of contemporary teenagers to form real attachments, with this behavior persisting into adulthood. They decried Facebook, texting and the Internet as the causes of this antisocial behavior.
I am sure that there are people who have suffered from Internet addiction and consequently felt nervous about person-to-person interactions. I am sure that there are college students who would rather text than date people they are interested in. I am sure that there are teenagers who would rather Facebook-stalk their peers than spend time developing interpersonal relationships.
I am now going to make the claim that this is a minority of teenagers and young adults. Most people I know want to hang out with their friends or people they view as potential significant others. I know some people who hook up with people they do not really know, but I think most Brown students would agree that most people hook up with people who they do know, oftentimes people they are interested in "dating."
Even more shocking to these parents than the hook-up phenomenon was the fact that we — the young sinners of American universities — do not seem to date. None of them seem to realize that the stereotypical dating activities, such as going to the movies, have become much more expensive in the last 20 or 30 years. At the Providence Place Mall, it costs $10.25 for a movie ticket. Multiply that by two, then maybe you each get a snack and a drink, and you could easily be up to $30. Throw in dinner and you have just made a significant investment in a relationship that may dissolve later that evening.
And then there is the word "date." To most of us, dating seems archaic. It conjures up images of 1950s drive-in movie theaters and diners and waitresses on roller-skates — which are not to be confused with roller-blades. You might recall them from that box of ancient stuff in your parents' basement or attic — rather than having in-line wheels, the wheels are arranged in a rectangular configuration.
On top of that, there is the fact that many college students, particularly Brown students, are wary of lots of relationship terminology. There are those that resent boyfriend and girlfriend as descriptors. Some hate these words because they seem to refer to young children rather than maturing teenagers or adults. Others hate these words because they place one in a gender binary or suggest an opposite-gender partner.
And it's not like we have come up with a very good solution. "Partner" is also a term of our parents' generation, and often connotes older people or is just too ambiguous — I once had someone tell me that I was a little young to have a business partner. Significant other is just plain laughable and has far too many syllables.
But just because we have not come up with very good terminology does not mean that our generation does not engage in behavior analogous to that of our parents. College students are not just hooking up — it seems that there is a lot of ambiguous hanging out. College students might also just decide not to call their love interest their boyfriend or girlfriend. It seems to me that we are much more willing to live with greater ambiguity and fewer labels.
To all parents: This is not a bad thing.
And to counter all of the insinuations that this generation is more promiscuous than previous generations, a recent Centers for Disease Control report has shown that sexual activity among youth has actually gone down in the last 30 years. So, what are our parents hiding from us?
My interpretation of the anxiety parents feel when they send their kids off to college is that they remember what they did in college and feel like it must be worse now, even though this is far from true. The fact of the matter is that we are much more willing to deal with ambiguous relationships and are eager to find and use new labels that are less gendered, more inclusive and more accurately describe how we feel about our relationships. Why is this so bad?
Susannah Kroeber '11 is taking suggestions for alternative words for significant other. She can be reached at susannah_kroeber@brown.edu.
