A diamond to the class of 2013. To us, you're all magical.
Coal to the Fish Co. bouncer who punched out a student's tooth Wednesday night. The only thing you're supposed to lose at Fish Co. is your dignity.
Speaking of clubs, coal to the freshman at last night's activities fair who told The Herald he was "saving myself for the best." You might be waiting awhile — most things here are only 16th-best. And douchey.
A diamond to Brown economists who have figured out a way to estimate GDP growth from night-time lights seen from satellite images. College Hill neighbors will be thrilled to find out that the OMAC fields stack up as the world's fourth wealthiest country.
Coal to researchers who have discovered evidence of same-sex yeast reproduction. It's ‘A' haploid and ‘Alpha' haploid, not Adam and Steve!
A diamond to the fact that the new Blue Room has shallower muffin tins that yield a higher proportion of "muffin top." Analysts say the domestic pastry topheaviness index is the strongest it's been since the tragic Croissant Collapse of 2004.
Coal to the brand-new Baja's restaurant, which serves frozen yogurt as well as burritos, Philly cheesesteaks and other spicy cuisine. If Juniper proves anything, it's that Brown students will only buy frozen yogurt when the store sells absolutely nothing else (not even a different flavor).
Coal to the ice-breaker game forced on freshmen during orientation, in which students were asked to illustrate how many squares of toilet paper they typically use, then — informed of the game's rules — asked to "reveal something" for each square. Seems like anyone who gets this far has already revealed more than enough.
Finally, a diamond to new VP for International Affairs Matthew Gutmann, who spent years as a community organizer in Chicago. We'll give you 30 days to produce a birth certificate.
ADVERTISEMENT
